Welcome!!!!!!!

Obama-- I hear ya!!!

2008-11-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

have made no effort to try and hide my pride and support for Barack Obama. Today, I will share in my hope for change, a hope for a new direction, with fellow friends and family as we watch the coverage of the Presidential Election. I am ardently passionate that in this wonderful, beautiful and incredibly rich country that we are uniting together to restore those notions--those ideas that build us up, not break us down and tear us apart. The notions that can de-marginalize the marginalized and to connect the dots that have been so dismally broken in the past eight years.

Becoming a parent, being at the stages of life I am in, and the direction my informal and formal education has navigated me, I am concerned about this country's, my daughter's, my own self's, future and welfare. I can agree to disagree with those that do not favor the issues that Obama is in favor of, but I will continue to embrace and practice my constitutional right of being able to speak freely of my political views, that are no less an extention of identity.

And for me, this election is just that--the defining of an identity. Who are we as a country? What do we stand for? How do we display that to the world, to our local communities, our neighbors? I, for one, do not identify with the former administration's choices or ideas. I do not want others to identify me in that way, and so in this way, in my voice to speak and to vote, I share my identity as an individual who supports diplomacy, social welfare, and social justice for all, not just the select few that have privileged and profited off of the ideologies of exclusion and exploitation.

Happy voting day & Go OBAMA!

AESA

2008-11-01T00:44:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful time. Not only did I get to present, which btw, went great, but I also got to see a beautiful town with its own unique splendid culture. Like this picture... Check it out...

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Also, I was a stereotypical tourist who took snapshots that reminded me where I was...

I also got to see a bunch of palm trees. I never see those..

I got to travel with friends, get to know them better... Here's the crew that presented.

And my fabulous advisor who made it all possible... She certainly is one fun gal...

I got to see some wonderful presentations other than mine...
-These are the University of Alabama girls. Pretty awesome.
And, I also got to meet people I look up to and respect their writing and what they write about... for instance, Luis Urietta, Jr. who I cited in my paper! It was great to meet him...

I also made sure to partake in the night life... Being there on Halloween was certainly an interesting experience.
- Love the guy in the Depends.
I also enjoyed being silly!

And the fact that this was a vending machine blew me away... I had to take a picture of this...

I had a great time. Although I have the longest, saddest, cruelest flight to and from... My ass will be sleeping for awhile. Momma's tired!!! I loved the experience... I'm ready to go home though.
xoxo

August 26, 2008

2008-08-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Update from the homefront!

I've moved to Pullman, WA and now am living in a more spacious, older duplex that is located in a great neighborhood. Halle has a park right across the street, and I can take the bus anytime I need to, which arrives twice an hour every hour. I don't have to drive my car, pay for parking, or worry about any of that. It's great, although the schedule does take a small adjustment.

My mom has moved up to watch Halle during the week. She helps a family friend with her business and watches Halle while I am at school and studying. On the weekend she goes back to Kooskia and spends her time with my dad. I feel extremely lucky to have her and we are all having a great time together.

Wes is still fighting fire, although that is now coming to a close, burning season has started. Halle and I miss him very much and we talk as much as we can, but his location and our schedules make it difficult, so we try to make the most we can while we're all together. Soon though, his schedule will subside and he will be home for a few months to be with us, which we are looking forward to.

Although I've only moved seven miles away it seems like a different world. I really enjoyed Moscow and had a great time while I was there. Pullman, however, I believe, is a better fit for me. There is tons of diversity on campus. People really get into the school and show their pride by wearing WSU anything. I've also been caught up in the fever and bought a few things and have been proud to show them off at school and around town. Downtown is all geared toward the students. It's Cougar everything. I have acclimated to the town much faster than I thought. Maybe because I also now work at the college and am meeting tons of people in my profession. The people in my specific area of interests are some pretty fabulous people; engaging, intelligent, thoughtful, and fun, I have nothing but rave reviews for my program so far. Although I give huge kudos to the UofI academics and faculty as well, which I am certainly proud to be a part of. I am attending my first football game this Friday, and am looking forward to the smoke-free clubs afterwards!!

A couple of weeks ago, Halle and I had our first ever girls-only road trip. I woke up one morning with a wild hair to stretch my legs. I asked Halle if she wanted to go somewhere and she was excited. So, a half an hour later, our bags were packed and we were off--to somewhere, anywhere! We ended up in Glacier, MT. We swam in the lake, played in the lodge, took the bus and tours through the forest, went shopping and eating in Missoula, stayed in Hungry Horse and Seely Lake. It was a fabulous trip and I can't wait to see what our next road trip will hold.

I have been having a wonderful time this summer and believe my fall is going to be a great one too. Again, I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have the experiences I have.
Miss you all of my friends and family, & can't wait to talk to you!

Mary

July 22

2008-07-24T00:05:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I was recently told to update my blog because it sucked and I always forget that I have it. So, I decided to put a little note on here about what I've been up to. I see the last time I wrote on this thing was in May, so it does need some maintanence. Sorry, 'bout that.

Since the end of school I've been hanging with the P.U.s, the 'ol ball and chain, and my sweetpea. I've been working a LOT on my research and feel that I'm still in the midst of feeling over-WOWed, if you know what I mean. I have my symposium in a week and I have been practicing for that lovely experience. My poor mom gets to be the lucky one who gets to be my guinea pig. Sorry Mom.

I've been chatting with my girls online and have been able to keep up with them since I'm not bogged down with homework. Every weekend, Wes comes home and the three of us do something near water. We've been fishing feigns this year and have been catching our dinner lately, which is fun! Halle looooooves, I mean l.o.v.e.s the water. She's a fish from another life. She also loves climbing everything she can get her little legs and hands on. Love that. Lucky me.

The whole family is doing great. Lots of time to spend with one another. Halle loves being around her grandparents all the time. She gets to play in the yard, go down her slide and swing in her tree-swing. She's a happy little girl livin the two year old's dream.

Other than that I've been rotten at keeping up on taking photographs. Will have to do that this weekend and post some on here!
Take care all!!! Loves.

Halle's watching Max and Ruby

2008-05-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

You know, the great thing about this blog, is that I have NOTHING new to talk about! I'm completely and utterly boring!!

Halle loves playing "slide" with her daddy. She slides down this mattress we have and climbs back up (with the help of Dad). She brings her friends (stuffed animals and assorted toys) with her, along for the ride. Well, this time, she brought a bucket and a stuffed bear down. Her dad told her she could only bring one up since she had to use the other hand to hold onto his. She sat there for a second, then put the bear in the bucket, and said, "There!" WHAT!? Impressive. I probably wouldn't have thought of it!

I cleaned the oven today, for fun. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I have nothing due or to think about (just yet).

I mowed the lawn with Halle harnessed on my back. She loved it and took a little snooze. Good exercise. I am completely moved out of my apartment. That was fun, scrubbing, sweeping, packing--or NOT. Said goodbye to another chapter in my life. Anticipating summer, anxious about school and waiting to hear if I'm going to be presenting my research at a conference! I'm loving the simple life & enjoying the quiet time.

I've been tagged!!!

2008-05-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should - slow down a little!

I love the smell of - summer, spring, and my baby girl's hair

People would say that I- am passionate, crazy (back in the day), persistant, determined, nuts, fun!!

I don’t understand why - women aren't in better positions all around, in every possible way. They make this world go round.

When I wake up in the morning - stumble to Mammy and give Halle a quick hug before trying to sleep some more...

I lost my willpower to - memorize random useless crap

I'm glad - for my life. It's a good one and I'm fortunate.

Life is - good, short and long (depending on the day and time), and always interesting, ALWAYS.

My past made me - want to cry, laugh, forget, and remember! The Hard knocks got me where I'm at right now. I appreciate my past, but I don't live there.

I get annoyed when - I can't sleep, when people actually enjoy being mean to others, and reading a crappy novel <--- (really that chaps my ass)..

Parties are not a good time to - say tmi...

Dogs are - fun, if you're a dog person.

Cats are - my thing. I'll probably be the crazy cat lady when I'm all alone.

Tomorrow is - another Friday.

I have low tolerance for - Discrimination of any kind; sexism, racism, classism, and again, reading a book that is a total disappointer.

I’m totally terrified of - uhhh I can't even say it...

I always knew I would - be a complete hit or a complete miss.

Never in my life have I - hmm.... Never in my life have I never made a mistake.

High school was - good, but I'm glad it's over. Onto other things.

When I’m nervous I- play with my lips and my hair.

One time at a family gathering - My aunt and uncle gave me a ride. We drank beer, smoked, and listened to AC/DC. I will never forget that ride!

Take my advice - Trust your instincts & find people who are encouraging and supportive to be around, always, as much as you can, whenever you can. They'll take you where you need to go.

Making my bed- is a hobbie that I don't have a lot of time for, but I try.

I'm almost always - thinking, writing, or reading

I’m addicted to - my internet friends, a hot summer's day with water, bloody mary's, and Halle's hugs and squeals, strong women who embrace who they are, and men who can appreciate them <---- (That's a stunner!)

I want someone to - give me a billion dollars.

2008-03-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

Here's a family picture taken last week!!

Finally on spring break. Wes is working his last call of duty at the BLM before he'll start his new job with the FS in May! Halle and I are relaxing at the 'rents. Today, the family went out to lunch, then for a beautiful drive around the countryside, and we took in the beautiful weather with a nice stroll around the neighborhood.

I also cut my long locks off. My hair's still long, just not ridiculously long. =) Last night we took we turned our clocks forward, which made for a much longer glorious sunny day. I love the springtime! I love the sunshine. I love spring break!!! Hope everyone is enjoying themselves this week and not working too hard.

I'm going to graduate school!

2008-03-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I've accepted WSU's offer to attend graduate school in their education department! I'm thrilled to be going, nervous, excited, and happy! I've also received a full assistantship with additional support from the McNair program, and will start in the fall.

WSU is going to be a great fit for me. I get to study issues of inequality, gender, race, and social class. I'll also have excellent mentorship, as they advocate this is a key component to a successful education. I've had the opportunity to meet the students and they have all said wonderful things about the program and the professors, which makes me feel reassured! Plus, my family and I will have all the comforts of being close to one another, which is so so so so important to me. My family (included my extended family) is my rock! They are going to help me get through this. They helped me get into graduate school.

I just have to pay homage to those that have been key to my success of entrance.
My McNair mentor, Dr. John Mihelich, who has been an excellent professor, mentor, friend, and advisor. Without his support, I know I wouldn't have a chance for graduate school! Not only did he get me interested in sociological issue and critical thinking, but he has also given me several opportunities to boost my skills with mentorship opportunities and research assistant positions. He has also strengthened my reading, writing, and analytical skills. All skills that will serve me for a lifetime. But more important than any of these things, he taught me that my experiences do matter, and that has helped shape my passion for graduate school.

Dr. Debbie Storrs, who is my absolute role model. She is the smartest person I know. Her support and encouragement throughout this process has been immeasurable, and she has stuck by me in everything from editing multiple drafts of writing samples to giving me words of encouragement when my confidence crumbled and I didn't think I could do it (definitely more than once). She is also the busiest person I know, and she has spent much of her valuable time coaching, instructing, and guiding me to success always making time for me. There aren't words to explain my gratitude towards these two people; whom have been the gatekeepers of me advancing to a world that I thought was never possible at one time--who have changed the course of my life in more ways than one, and who have inspired me and helped me mature in all dimensions of my life.

Dr. Patrick Gillham who wrote me several outstanding letters of reference for me. He also has given me the opportunity to do research under his guidance, and he helped me get my writing samples into shape. He made me cut and cut and cut some more from my sample, which was painful, but in the end made such a huge difference. He also has been a great help in my pursuit towards grad. school.

Dr. Vicki Trier, who accepted me into the McNair Program. The McNair program, which I am still in, is a wonderful program that helps first generation college students and underrepresented students pursue graduate school. She has helped me get through the nuts and bolts of applying and all the thousand steps in between, which have been exhausting and trying. The program also funds all of the expenses of applying, with exam fees, travel fees, and application fees. Without her program I definitely wouldn't be going to graduate school. I appreciate the hours she spent out of class talking to me about school and research options.

And finally my family!!! My parents, Wes, and my daughter. For some the pursuit of graduate school is not a big step. For some, it's just a matter of filling out the paperwork, but that wasn't the case for me. For some, they have all the time in the world...I hadn't even thought of going to graduate school until about a year before I applied; a little while after I had Halle. Her presence invigorated a drive and determination far beyond what I could have imagined. She also inspired me, involuntarily to begin caring about certain things that were asleep, so-to-speak. Her presence challenges me everyday to do better in anyway possible, which is sometimes exhausting, frightening, and frustrating, but also more rewarding than anything. Anything! My pursuit of graduate school is in many ways for her, but also for my family who still sacrifices for me to this day. Thanks to my partner for taking on extra responsibilities, sacrificing time, and putting up with my stress. And thanks to my parents for their thousands of miles spent driving to and fro to help me out when I've been in a pinch, or to let me sleep in after I was up late late doing homework, and for giving me an outlet so I could relax and recharge & spend time nurturing my relationships outside of school. And also to my extended family, the Tinneys and Dee Ann Smith, my long-time mentor, first grade teacher and second mother. In their ways and familial support, they have also made it possible for me to go.

As you can see, I definitely did not do this by myself. It has taken a village to raise me up where I'm about to go; without this enormous amount of support and guidance I wouldn't be going. Hands down, I needed every single one of these people. And bc of them I'm going to be attending a top-notch program. I no doubt will be counting on them in the days ahead, but I just wanted to take this time out to express my deep gratitude and appreciation--and to express my awe of the power of collective support. It humbles me to know that I have a such a grand support system and network of family, friends, and professionals who want me to succeed and achieve.

Okay, so I did it!

2008-01-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

I put in my applications to the following:

WSU: The sociology AND Education department

UofO: Sociology

UCR (Univesity of California- Riverside): Sociology

UCB (University of Colorado- Boulder): Sociology

EEEEEE!!!! Wish me luck.

Can you tell me?

2007-09-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

Working steadily, diligently, relentlessly
Hoping for the best.
Praying for my future everyday
Through small print and tests.
Rushing swells of anxiety mount within my chest...
Confidence rests on commentary
Judging performance sets.

Emotions run high and the anxiety is hell.
It cuts me out of my life sometimes
Where I am separate from my self.
I disengage with the bell.
All I wanna do is yell.

Overwhelmed with the forces
I have no rhyme or reason
Like this letter to myself;
I am in drowning in my choices.

Don't forget the prestige my darling
And don't forget your agenda to the cause
Hey what about your little girl
And don't you have a relationship at odds?

So paint a big red smile around my tight-lipped mouth
Hang across my neck a yellow bow,
Now pull just a little too tight,
And smack a rubber ball on my nose.
I have orange shoes ten times too big
Adorning my size seven toes.
And strap an elephant on my back
You don't wanna miss this show.

Every reason for pursuing
For sacrificing and ensuing
Is for the gift of god's creation
I am forever indebted to committing.

How do I give her the tools for learning
For being a woman in this society
That says you are only half the man
When society loathes a 'minority'.

She will question where she comes from,
Whether she is really this or that.
She will grapple with her identity
And the line between thin and fat.

What is acceptable and what is not.
What she wants to do and what she ought.
To be reflexive in her thought.
To conform or to fight
To use clarity and insight
To cherish and protect her rights.
To love herself enough to take care of herself.

I don't know, I don't know.

Give me a set of tools
To carve out a future for her
A philosophy for life
An attitude to win her.
Give me the grace of knowledge
The gentle guidance to lead
Give me the secret of shades
The tools for planting seeds.

To love herself, to take care of herself.
To love herself, to take care of herself
In this world of less than perfect.

Schools I'm Looking Into

2007-09-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sociology:

University of Washington (Yeah right, but we can dream, right?) We all have our Mecca's.

University of Oregon (ehhh..... toughie)

Washington State University (Oh, this would be fabulous: the location anyway)

University of Northern Colorado

University of Colorado- Boulder

University of Hawaii

University of California - Santa Cruz (another one I must chuckle at)

University of Arizona- Tempe

And good 'ol trusty University of Idaho

So far... I may edit this later on...

Shoutout

2007-09-05T23:27:00.001-07:00

I miss you....
April
Sarah
Kolby
Jeni
Erin
Mauri

I miss....
FBI reports
Jeno discussions
troll citings
NEWB hatin
PW updates
jelly c-ring commentating
what we ate for dinner
youtube sharing
TTT
pics of the kiddos and our hot men
sex talk!

I miss my friends. =( School's such a drag.

An Update!

2007-08-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

Well, back in the swing of things. I can't say I'm too terribly excited after my amazing last few summer weeks. My life was pure bliss. Seriously it doesn't get better than that. *sigh* Now, to new endeavors, which I am excited about, but once again the wheels are back to grinding, non-stop. I have actually started drinking mocha frappucino's on the days I have to get up early. Can you believe that? I hate coffee, I hate chocolate, and I don't drink caffeine. I think it's just a sign of what's to come.
My classes are as always thought provoking, inspiring, and considerably challenging. I am a course mentor for a sociology class (the study of religion) and I just read my first set of papers. Wow, talk about exhausting, but enthralling as well. It was incredible to read about such a personal topic through someone's heart on paper. People's self disclosure level was abundant compared to the level of verbal discussion in class. It was really something. It was also interesting and entertaining to read people's personalities transcend on paper. I didn't realize how much 'voice' these students had! Really, I am just excited about my class. I loved the material when I took the course as a student, and I am learning a ton more reading the same material but thinking about it in a different way. Religion is just one of those things that we really rarely get to discuss with such intensity and diversity, but this class has that ability. It is astonishing to watch, really. If anything, being a course mentor only solidifies my desires for teaching! It is totally me.
In other areas of study, I am also a student in the study of stratification. If there is any class that derives more passion, guts, and piss and vinegar in my heart, it is this issue. Wes is taking an economics class and he often times comes back from class telling me the rhetoric of his economics teacher, which every time so far has felt like a bee stinging me over and over again down my esophoagus. That is how much I despise his words. I know that I am a socialist. I have always been one. My environment that I was exposed to programmed me that way, and although I never knew I was one then, I have felt the words of sociology cling to my heart like a child to their security. Unfortunately saying the word, 'socialist' in front of non-sociologists usually elicits strong ick factor, kind of like the word 'union' or 'bitch'. hehe. Uhm, yeah. I am wondering if there is going to be something I identify myself as that is not in the minority status. I guess not. What is not surprising to me, but always disappointing is that usually the people who cringe when I speak the word social anything are the people who actually would be embraced by its reform. I guess media and pop culture has done a fine job twisting its hegemonic ideal around on people. I really see it as this..... We see slaves in the field being beaten, abused, neglected, and starved for the capital of someone else. These slaves who so desperately want to be out of their situation, who would do almost anything to be reunited with their family and their culture, are slowly, or I suppose not so slowly being eroded and erased from humanity. However, a new posse comes into town and says, 'Hey! You don't have to do that anymore. You don't have to live like this. You can be free.' And the slaves reply, 'But we ARE free. I can go to this side of field or to this side of the field on my own accord.' Do you get where I'm going with this? It is mind-blowing and frightening to hear certain people's responses to the economic inequality that our luxurious country produces. My friend who is in a terrible position with his job said, 'Well the economy might not do as well with a democratic leader.' Uhm, hellllllo? Where have you been? Yeah the economy's doing record breakingly well, but the distribution of wealth across our nation has gotten record breakingly devastating. Did you know that there has been a 9% annual income increase for middle - class people over the past TWENTY years. I guess that doesn't sound too bad, does it? At least it's going up, right? Well, considering the market is off the flipping charts you have to wonder where that money's going... Did you know that the elite 1%'s annual income in that time span has increased 140%? That is 23 times the income of the middle class worker. And forget about the poor. They don't even count... The stats are 500:1 for a CEO and it's bottomless manager... (http://www.motherjones.com/commentary/columns/2003/11/ma_575_01.html)
I don't know... You be the judge, but this is the kind of stuff I am learning about in school. Needless to say I miss summer.

McNair.... McNair so far is going surprisingly easy for me. I think since I should have taken this course work ohhhh about a year ago, it will help me if I don't get into a graduate school this year, but really, that's worst case scenario and definitely NOT what we are hoping for. McNair is just stressful in that it primes the word graduate school, which primes the word STRESS over and over in my head, giving me a headache. I have taken up kickboxing again and it's not surprising to me why I need to kick the shit out of something for a good hour everyday. But at least the course work is helpful and organizational; something I desperately need in this process. If I were to pray, I would pray a lot to get into a school with the funding I desire and the location that keeps me near my family. That is asking for a lot. Not likely going to happen, but never going to not hope for it. I feel good though when I'm in class because at least it's a symbol, for myself, that I am doing something right, and that there are people who believe in me who have been there and want me to succeed.

Psych... So I am taking the most boring class psychology has to offer (besides 101), and it is utterly painful sitting in class listening to my lispy teacher call on his students (at random) to see if we can recite what he just said. He must have experience with students falling asleep during his lecture. Of course, it's my first and earliest class of the day which happens to last an hour and fifteen painful minutes. (And yes, that last twenty minutes is soooo painful). =) But, I think I'll get a lot out of it. I have to conduct research on my own, which I have never done and this class, no matter how tedious and suicidal you want to become, is going to give me the steps to hopefully create a successful research proposal to submit to a journal. *We can only hope, right?*
Well, folks, that is my life right now, educationally speaking... Besides being a parent, which is the fun part of my day, the rest of the day constitutes these things. I have been holed up for the past two weeks and have no plans of going elsewhere... I guess a hole isn't quite the correct descrip... More like mesmorized by a computer screen and small print journal articles. Thank the higher powers for my baby... She keeps me laughing. Nothing like a poopy diaper to make you forget about all the inequality. =) Ok, definitely more than a poopy diaper. Everyone on here knows she is my everything, so get over it!

I Miss....

2007-08-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

I miss today... Where did it go? I miss my daughter's smiling face because she is sleeping right now. I miss my mom like crazy, as only a very well - loved daughter could. I miss my river and it's soft currents. I miss my friends from college, even the ones I didn't like. I miss my memories, sometimes too much. I miss playing basketball, and being the fastest, because now I'm pretty slow. I miss the conversations I am not allowed to have. I miss my stressfree summer. I miss smiling at my partner because I sometimes I feel my heart sinking right into my stomach.
I miss the simplicity of my youth, and all it's responsibility-free consequences. I miss talking to girlfriends and being silly, especially being silly... How I miss being silly... I love that I am silly with Halle. I love being silly... Can I go back to being 6 again?
Sometimes, in order to appreciate what you have, you have to sort out what you don't, so you can see how utterly stupid you are for complaining. One of these days I'll write a blog about what I appreciate.... ha!

Quiet thoughts...

2007-08-07T02:00:00.001-07:00

Tell me what I need to hear
Even if it isn’t the truth
Give me your grace, your comfort tonight
Don’t put me down, please not tonight.

I just want you to know
That your touch is all that is needed
All that is needed for now
I stammer and stagger through the saddest of hearts
For tonight that’s all I can allow.

A rollercoaster unfortunately I do well
My deepest apologies for making you sick.
As many free spirits may admit--
Come at your own risk.

Deep passions boil under a shimmering, coco soft skin
It makes you burn even harder
What hurts you and drives you to tears in a fury
Also will make your body shudder.

Don’t tell me no, don’t do me wrong
I can burn oil for hours
Against your words I fight and I rise
My wounds fuel my fire.

I am on my own in my most heart of hearts
And that’s how it always has been
My history precedes me on this many occasion,
For once I wish I was wrong.

So tell me what I wish to hear,
Even if it isn’t the truth.
Open your heart, your love to me,
Love me, love me, love me..

Summer!!!

2007-08-03T23:07:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks of summer, I must say, have been some of the most peaceful days I have seen in a long time. Well overdue, and already missed. I have had the most fortunate opportunity to visit my parents down in Kookie, and hang out one of the most beautiful beaches in my opinion, EVER. My secret beach which I will never tell where it is. (I don't want more weird people showing up to it)... But oh my gosh, it's beautiful! The sand is so fine, the water is SO clear, and it breathes peace off the water. My own private Idaho for sure. Halle has been getting comfortable with the water, and my almost 15 month old can kick with the best of 'em. She also is learning how to paddle with her arms! I am so proud of her. She is very close to swimming. Eeeks! How I love her.
So, I wake up, I do some housework, I go to the beach for a few, fast, hours, then come home and relax with the family, do some hardcore kickboxing and cardio and play with my baby. Just like summer vacation should be.
I'm regretfully putting off some school work that I know must get done, but how many more days do I have to soak up the sun with my little bean, at my secret beach? Not many. Not many at all. I don't want these days to end. I am having a fantastic end to my summer. Just had to share.

I have a bullfrog in my throat

2007-07-21T01:43:00.000-07:00

Uhhhh and it huuuurts. For some reason my body has decided to join arms against me. I already have seasonal allergies. Just as they are starting to clear up from some horrendous nasal congestion, my throat decides to have a huge mutiny, and swell like I have a balloon caught in there!! I have been using a window fan in Moscow (for only two nights), and after those two nights I was soooo sorry I decided to use one. Afterwards, my throat, like I said became incredibly sore. It got a little better as the days wore on (after I visited my parents, stayed in a different room) and didn't use a window fan there... But, it's still all funky. I coughed up blood today from my throat being so irritated, and my nose has a constant drip to it- not in the front though, but in the back. I just thought I was starting to kick the seasonal allergies and now this?! Ahhhh.... So irriating!! I can't talk without my lovely nasal drip interfering with my words, and every time I swallow I feel like I've swalled a dull razor blade. It's no fun.
I hope it decides to clear up. I have no money, and really don't want to spend it on any more incompetent doctors... Wish me luck.

What is fate?

2007-07-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

It's late, and I just wanted to blog a bit before I hit the sack. I've been thinking about fate. Now, there are the hardcore believers and the hardcore disbelievers. I have no idea where I stand. I am agnostic, so I guess that answers why I don't know... Most people tie fate in with their religious beliefs. So, if you're uncertain about your religious beliefs, I guess it makes sense to be uncertain on fate as well.

However, as I type this unbelievably useless blog, I see my most precious , my daughter sleeping next to me, I can't help but feel my heartstrings being tended to. I never in a million years thought that I could love somebody so much. I never would have believed it if someone told me, that having an unexpected gift such as her, would change my life in the best [positive] direction. Now most parents are probably rolling their eyes right now. 'How unbelievably naive of me. How dense could I be?' Yeah, I guess they're right. I never thought a child could change me so much. In loving her, I feel closer to God. I feel meaning that definitely was never there before, and I can love myself more than I ever have before.

So I just gotta leave with these lyrics of the song, "I'm Here" off the broadway play, The Color Purple.

I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE.

WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE.

AND I'MTHANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.

BUT MOST OF ALLI'M THANKFUL FORLOVING WHO I REALLY AM.

I'M BEAUTIFUL.YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL,AND I'M HERE.

A far cry from equality

2007-07-11T13:41:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been dealing with some more than pesky problems. I will start a little earlier:About seven months ago, I got some dental work done. The dentist told me I was going to need two root canals and two crowns to go with it. I apparently grind my teeth at night, which has worn down the enamel on the back of my molars. That sucks. So, I say, 'Well, how much is this going to put me back?' His reply, 'See the receptionist upfront.' Okay, this isn't going to be good. I walk up to the front desk, tell her exactly what he told me. 'Well, after the calculations, it looks like about 1800 for each tooth.' I almost choke on my paralyzed tongue. 'What?! Seriously? Well I don't have insurance.' 'I'm sorry, ma'am, that's the price and that's what it's going to be.'Okay, okay... I guess I'll just have to manage. \Fast forward about seven months. I turn 24, on top of getting older and feeling older, I am told my insurance on my parent's side is going to drop me. I no longer am a qualified candidate-whatever that means. So, I go to the H&W office to see about state assistance. I should qualify. I'm a full time student, single mother, I am unemployed and am surviving on student loans. So, I put my application in. I get a call a week later... 'I'm sorry, Mary, but you didn't sign the back of the application.' Oops, my bad, sure... I'll head back in there right away. So, I head in there and all of a sudden, they can't find it... Alright, I'll fill out another one. Fast forward three weeks...I still haven't heard from the H&W office. So I call...'I'm sorry, Mary, you're going to have to wait for the full 45 days before we can do anything about it...''Well I haven't heard anything yet... I'm just calling to make sure they received all the paperwork and that they didn't need anything else...''Well, you're going to have to contact ppl in Idaho Falls. They're the ones that handle the family medicaid.''Alright, what's their number?' So I call, and then they tell me my case is being sent to a different office. So I call a different number. Apparently my file got lost, but then they found it. They did however, find the old one, but since it wasn't signed it was invalid. Are you starting to see where I'm going with this whole clusterfuck?Well, the mayhem doesn't stop there. I'll save you all the details and just say that for three months I called, almost everyday, was passed off to different departments, spoke to incompetent people that all told me something different, that was if I was lucky enough to get through the long holds and anyone actually called me back from the numerous amounts of voicemail I left. I had the lovely opportunity of speaking to several people who were rude, and treated me like I was lazy, incompetent, no good for nothing trash because I didn't have health insurance. What a crime!! My case worker never returned my phone calls until I finally got a hold of the governor's assistant who handles complaints for the state. How I got that number I don't know, but it was the only person who took my concerns seriously.Bottom line: I still got denied for medicaid. Do you know why? Because my partner makes too much money. Do you know how much the maximum earned income we are allowed to make is in the state of Idaho? 317 dollars! Yes, that's what I thought. We're not married, but evidently that doesn't matter either.There are 220,000 uninsured children and 420,000 uninsured adults in the state of Idaho. What is this going to do?I know now why people try not to deal with the state.... there are about a million hoops to jump through, you pretty much have to be living on the streets, and when the mental and emotional energy exhausted in just trying someone to give you a straight answer is beyond frustration. It isn't right. It isn't right at all, and my my root canals still haven't been taken care of.I can only speak for myself, but I am trying to better my life. I am trying to do whatever I can to make sure Halle (my daughter) never goes without. I'm trying in every possible way to use the resources I have available to me and that I know about, but I am still struggling. And I have a leg up on so many people. So many people do not have the opportunity to go to college, or to have family to rely on, like I do. So many people have such a worse start than me, and so many people do not have the time or energy. I can only say that one of my most precious assets is my fight. I get angry, and pissed when people treat me like a pile of shit when it's undeserved. I fight back and I get mad. That alone has gotten me further than I can imagine... but it's hard to fight all the time. It's hard to not give up when you meet so much resistance... Health care is fucked up... It's fucked up that ppl will work their ass off trying to provide for their family, and they still get treated badly in every possible way, while others can eat off their poo poo platter and treat their obnoxious toy dogs to 2,000 dollar dog houses... (so to speak)What can I do, I ask myself many times... Well, I can't change the whole world, but I can tell people my story, and I can relate to other's hardships... We can be a voice collectively. One day I am going to be in a position where I can help others, and where others will ask for my help. This is one of those experiences that I will always remember...Alright, no more ranting for now.